We live in a world drowning in 'shoulds'.  I should be more productive.  I should be over this by now.  I should be happy.  I should want what everyone else seems to want.

'Should' sounds small, but its weight is immense.  It carries an emotional charge—guilt, shame, anxiety, pressure—constantly whispering that we’re failing in some way.  It creeps into our thoughts, shaping how we judge ourselves and making us feel like we're perpetually falling short.  It’s the wagging finger of disappointment and yet we live with it, use it and internalise it like a badge of honour; neither recognising its harmful impact, nor daring to challenge or discard it.

But what makes ‘should’ so powerful?  Why does it hold so much emotional charge?  Does it even really matter?

In today’s blog, I unpack this seemingly innocuous word—‘should’.  The examples I use are chosen to illustrate the concepts while both protecting client confidentiality and honouring the fact that there may be deep, vulnerable material beneath the surface.  My hope is that this blog leaves you curious about the ‘shoulds’ shaping your world—both your own and those of the people around you. Most of all, I want you to know that change is possible, and that support is available if you ever choose to explore it.

 

The Psychology Behind ‘Should’

‘Should’ isn’t just a word—it’s a judgement and obligation.  It carries an unspoken expectation that we must be different from who we are right now.  Over time, repeated exposure to ‘shoulds’ shapes our sense of identity. Instead of seeing ourselves as whole, evolving individuals, we internalise an ongoing narrative of not enough.

• If you grew up hearing “You should be more responsible”, you might carry a belief that you’re inherently unreliable.
• If society tells you “You should be successful by now”, you might question your worth based on arbitrary timelines.
• If your inner critic says “You should be better at handling emotions”, you might feel shame for experiencing normal human struggles.

Every ‘should’ comes with an invisible comparison—an imagined version of you that is somehow better, faster, stronger, more accomplished, more loved.  And that version?  It doesn’t actually exist.

 

Where Do Our 'Shoulds' Come From?

'Shoulds' aren't actually ours, even the ones which we've internalised and believe in.  They're learned or borrowed—from childhood conditioning, from societal expectations, from the invisible rulebook that dictates what a 'good' life, person, or success should look like.

The problem?  These rules were written without your input.

When working with clients and their 'shoulds', one of the first things I ask is "Whose voice is that?"  Often, a person or society/community will almost instantaneously appear.

When it doesn't, and the reply is "it's my voice", we then explore the origin of where we learned that that was the thing to say.  A common example is the 'I should be more organised'.  Here’s an example of how that might play out in a session:

Client - "I should be more organised"

Me - "Whose voice is that?"

Client - "Oh, it's my teacher from primary school.  They were always telling me off/making fun of me for how disorganised I was"

Me - "and what message or belief about yourself did you get from that experience?"

OR

Client - "I should be more organised"

Me - "whose voice is that"

Client - "It's mine.  I really should be more organised, I know it.  I’ve been organised before and it worked, but now I’ve just gone back to how I was"

Me - "Ok, so tell me, who first taught you, or where did you first learn the lesson that you needed to be more organised?"

Client - "It was my teacher from primary school.  I was so disorganised even then; it kept getting me told off or ridiculed"

Me - "and what message or belief about yourself did you get from that experience?"

Either way we end up in the same place.

When the origin of our 'should' comes from our childhood, it's often not trusted as relevant because of how in the past it is.  My response to that is about looking at the stick rather than who's holding the stick, just because we take over the baton of berating ourselves with the stick we inherited, it doesn't mean that it's our stick, or that we need to continue to wield it.  If this is in any way resonating for you now, I'm going to ask, "what would it mean if you were able to put the stick down?"

When we operate from 'should', we're chasing an idea of how our life needs to be, the success, the happiness, or worthiness that was never truly ours to begin with.

 

The Subtle Self-Sabotage of 'Should'

At first glance, 'should' seems harmless—maybe even motivating.  But in reality, it's laced with self-judgment and resistance.

Think about it:

• I should be more dedicated. → Implies you’re failing as you are.
• I should be further along in life. → Turns your journey into a race you’re losing.
• I should want to be more social. → Dismisses your actual needs and desires.

‘Should’ doesn’t just create pressure—it creates paralysis.  When we feel like we’re constantly failing, we become less likely to take action, not more.  Instead of moving forward, we get stuck in guilt, shame, and avoidance.  I've seen this play out time and again with clients—people who, on the surface, appear to have everything figured out, yet still feel paralysed by the weight of their 'shoulds.'  From my own lived experiences, and from working with people for well over a decade, I can say that it's often in our working vs home lives that we might see this present itself.  For example, a person could be constantly telling themselves 'I should be happy with my career.'  Yet the more they repeated it, the more stuck they felt.  The guilt of not feeling happy, the fear of not meeting expectations or the needs of others, the anxiety about it being too late, or too risky, kept them from exploring what they truly wanted.  It's not until the 'should' gets swapped for 'could' that permission finally gets given to explore and make real changes.

 

Breaking Free: Turning 'Should' into 'Could'

If 'should' keeps us trapped, could opens the door.

I’ve seen this shift work for clients, and I’ve also experienced it myself in the smallest ways—like with camomile tea!

I personally went through a stage of drinking camomile tea, because I ‘should’.  It is widely known about the calming benefits of camomile, and I needed those.  The minute I allowed myself the possibility of a ‘could’, all of a sudden, I had a choice!

‘Could’ shifts us from obligation to possibility.  Instead of implying failure, it invites us to explore what we actually want.  And that’s the key—many of our ‘shoulds’ aren’t rooted in our own desires.  They’re external expectations we’ve absorbed without question.

Let's go back to the career example.  So, our person, let's call them Sam, comes into session and we've been exploring the discontent they feel around their working life, career choices and the impact it has for them, and the important people and places around them.  They 'should' be happy in their career; it pays well, is respected and they have a good enough relationship with their colleagues, but despite all that, they are not fulfilled and they don't know why.  The impact is that they're not motivated, not inspired to go to work, nor do they have ambition within the company.  Their spouse and kids are proud of them, and love what they do - but Sam's internal feelings just don't match that.  Sam, internalises this as further evidence that they themselves are wrong and 'should' be happy.   In sessions, we explore the 'should', the origin.  Sam's parents both worked hard and didn't have a lot to show for it.  Your job was seen as something you weren't allowed to have choice about - you worked hard at the best job you were qualified to do and that was that.  Sam and their spouse both worked hard, and unlike Sam's parents, did have a lot to show for it, and yet they still weren't happy, ergo, it must be Sam that's the problem, right?

So, we start exploring about how Sam got into their chosen field of work - There was nothing about passion, fun, fulfilment, dreams or ambitions.  It was a 'good', 'sensible' and a 'real' job.  They had followed all the shoulds; the rules and expectations from home, school and society and, in session, we found the true owner of the wagging finger.

Next, I introduced Sam to the word 'could'.  I got them so say the sentence again, substituting 'should' for 'could'.

"I 'should' be happy in my career." - It's a ‘full stop’ statement, nowhere else to go and the wagging finger leaves Sam feeling ashamed, ungrateful, a disappointment and less than.

The sentence then became "I 'could' be happy in my career" No full stop.  No wagging finger.  The only person in the picture is Sam, no parents, school nor society.  Instead, we now have an invitation to continue the conversation, which is exactly what happens next...

 

Using 'But' and 'Because' to Get to the Root

One of the simplest ways to uncover what’s really happening beneath a ‘should’ is by adding ‘but’ and ‘because’:

• I could call my friend, but I don’t really want to, because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth right now.
• I could go to that event, but I’m feeling drained, because I’ve had a full week of social interaction.

Or, in my case…

• I could drink the camomile tea, but I don’t want to, because I don’t like it and it actually makes me feel more stressed and a bit nauseous.

From here, we get to explore wants, needs, and priorities without guilt or shame. We shift from external expectation to internal clarity—and that is where real choice begins!

Let's go back to Sam.

"I could be happy in my career, BUT I don't like my job BECAUSE there's no opportunity for creative expression and individuality."

With this new information, Sam is able to see that not being happy, had nothing to do with being a failure, in fact quite the opposite - putting up with, and being successful, in a career which didn't meet Sam's needs was a sign of tenacity, strength and devotion to their family.

Now that we've been able to lift the lid on Sam's mind and voice, next it's all about choice.  Now that Sam has the awareness, what do they want to choose to do moving forward...

The upshot? Sam actually decides to keep doing the current job!  However, they ensure that their 'out of work' life is full of creative expression.  As a direct result, Sam has consciously chosen the job this time - they are grateful for it, they feel proud of their achievements and capability, and the creative opportunities that the job is able to facilitate.  Sam's employer is happy. Sam's family is happy.  But most importantly, Sam is happy.

 

Real-Life Shifts: From ‘Should’ to Self-Trust

I’ve seen this transformation happen over and over again with clients:

• A woman who constantly told herself “I should be more ambitious” realised she actually wanted a slower, more intentional life—not a high-powered career.
• A man who believed “I should be stronger emotionally” learned that vulnerability was a strength, not a weakness.
• A client who felt “I should be in a relationship” let go of societal pressure and found freedom in choosing what truly made them happy.

 

Final Thoughts

There's nothing I ask my clients to do, or concepts I introduce them to, that I haven't used in my own life.  I offer these ideas because I believe in them, for myself and for the many, many people I've worked with.  It's not just theory, this works.

So, next time you hear yourself saying 'should', pause. Ask yourself: Whose voice is that?

Then, try replacing it with 'could', because real change, real fulfilment, and real authenticity don’t come from obligation. They come from choice.

And that choice? It’s always yours.